


Rubatosis

by smol_grump



Series: Emotions We Can't Explain [1]
Category: Frozen (2013), elsanna - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Ratings may change, Romance, Tags may be added, Unrelated Anna/Elsa (Disney)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-03-09 01:15:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13470618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smol_grump/pseuds/smol_grump
Summary: A mini-series that I started on tumblr but decided to continue here for organization and easier access. Based on thispost.





	1. Rubatosis

The first time she saw her, she never knew a heart could beat so loud. She didn't think the pulsation of her weak muscle could par with the roar of subways and people, that it could put a halt to her train of thought. It was prominent, thunderous, cadenced in a way that demanded acknowledgement from its owner; Elsa clutched her chest, unsettled and worried by the sudden awareness of her bpm.

She glanced at the source of her unease, who was standing obliviously on the opposite end of the car. She took in the sniffling button nose situated between ruddy cheeks, the few strands of reddish blonde hair that stuck to her parted lips and straggled from her messy braid, the woman must've rushed to catch the subway. Elsa pursed her lips as she strained to get a better view of the fellow rider through the crowd.

She made note of the countless freckles that dusted the stranger's face and dark lashes that hid her eyes. From where Elsa stood, there wasn't much else to look at, there were plenty of other people packed in the car that looked a bit more presentable but she felt  _drawn_  to this person in particular. Elsa didn't notice the subway come to a stop until the crowd bustled through the doors, carrying the messy haired enigma along with them. Nor did she notice her heart following until she stepped on to the platform and the subway took off behind her. The stranger was no longer in site. Elsa cursed under her breath and scowled, this wasn't her stop. She won't get home on time this evening.


	2. Onism

Elsa thought one of man’s greatest setbacks was that he had only one body, built with only two hands and two legs and sometimes a faulty heart. He can't always be where he needs to be, or where he wants to be, and the outcome isn't always favorable. His hands may come as a set but are overwhelmed by the workload and too young to know how to juggle. Between routine date nights and soothing silence, Elsa couldn't find the effort to keep up with the first when she no longer felt a spark.

That's what she was going to tell her partner tonight. At least, something along those lines after she cancels their dinner reservations for the fourth time. Elsa raked her fingers through her hair and scowled. Her gaze shifted between the countless open tabs on her desktop, a chocolate shake to her left, and the camera to her right.

When she became a photojournalist, she knew there would be a fair amount of writing but she also expected to be out in the field doing what she loved. Of course, she was young and inexperienced compared to the big shots in the office, which left her on paperwork duty more than the others. But it didn't stop her hands from missing her camera's weight. She stared woefully out the window, her thoughts wandered toward the dishevelled stranger she saw the other day… who just happened to be loitering across the street.

Elsa squinted and pinched herself a couple of times to check if she was awake. Well, the stranger wasn't nearly as unkempt as before. The woman had her hair twisted in twin plaits with side swept bangs and a rebellious streak of dye. Elsa didn't notice that white tuft before, or how nicely her reddish-gold locks complimented her fair skin. Her ruddy cheeks and sniffles had been replaced with a certain solace that made the onlooker feel at ease. Of course, the stranger lived in a completely separate world but when she laughed Elsa felt her own lips quirk into a smile. Really it was a shame, she thought, that humans could only be in one place at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onism  
> (n) the frustration of being only in one body, being able to be only at a one place at a time.


	3. Monachopsis

Elsa began to notice the ginger haired stranger more since the break up. As time progressed, the sightings became more frequent. And as the sightings became more frequent, Elsa felt even more out of place.

The feeling as a collective was subtle, but still persistent enough to draw attention. Was she stepping out of her own routine to see the mystery woman or was the woman staggering out of hers? Where they both off track? Has this person always lived so close or was Elsa being drawn in? Maybe it was the  _stranger_  who was being pulled towards her. If she was were, the stranger must've noticed her too. She hasn't  _seen_  her notice her. She could have been doing it discreetly like she did.

Or at least, how she prayed she was doing it. Elsa huffed, At this point she didn't know if she was referring to "her" or herself. Regardless of it all she felt like a stalker, and staring wasn't getting her anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Monachopsis  
> (n)the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.


	4. Jouska

The first time it's a coincidence, second time it's fate, third time is awfully suspicious, but the fourth… the fourth meant something was going on. They were well past their fourth time, but Elsa most certainly wasn't making a conscious decision to run into the enigma, and she was positive the lady had no idea she existed. It was as if they were stuck in some sort of loop or gravitational pull.

The only solution Elsa could come up with to break this awful cycle was to confront the stranger which, of course, required  _talking._

So there she was, in her favorite spot at the coffee shop, sparing discreet glances at the oblivious redhead who walked in a few minutes ago, as she played out the conversation in her head.

" _Hello."_

" _Hiya."_

" _I'm Elsa, and you?"_

"— _, it's nice to finally meet my stalker."_

Elsa grimaced and fiddled with the camera in her hand. She didn't have much of an excuse to just roll up and talk to the stranger.

" _Hey, nice socks. Where'd you get them from?"_

" _Model's?"_

Nah.

" _Hi, I'm Elsa. Has anyone ever told you that you're incredibly photogenic?"_

" _Um, no actually. Thank you… I guess?"_

Elsa packed her MacBook away along with her notes and favorite book and slid the bag's strap over her head. She allowed her camera to dangle from her neck as she stood up.

" _I haven't seen you around here before, new to the city?"_

" _Oh haha no, I've been here as long as I can remember…"_

The heat from her hot chocolate didn't ease her at all. She was afraid she'd drop her cup on the way over.

" _Hey, I was just wondering if I can get to know you better."_

" _I don't know, can you?"_

" _May I? I'd like to."_

Her heart was roaring again, pounding angrily against her ribcage in a way that made Elsa feel like she needed to call an ambulance.

"Hey, uhm…"

The stranger looked up from her phone, which was laid over an open book. Her eyes widened, a bit of red dusted her cheeks, and suddenly Elsa felt a bit more comfortable with her approach.

"May I sit with you for a bit? The view is nice from here."

"Oh! Yeah sure, lemme just…" She tidied up the table before patting the stool next to her. Elsa smiled at the gesture as she took a seat. The view really was nice, if you enjoyed sun bathed asphalt, quiet avenues, and water sitting on the horizon.

"Are you new here?" Elsa asked once she settled against the table, hands still firm around the hot cocoa.

"I lived here before, but might as well be. Things have changed so much…" The stranger trailed off with a chuckle.

"Ah yeah, the city's grown quite a bit but it's charm hasn't changed. You can still down a shot with your brand muffin at the local cafe and enjoy the sun with the frequent downpour."

"I've always missed the sun showers," She laughed, whether out of courtesy or honest humor the blonde couldn't tell. Elsa was busy wondering how vacant, cool blue eyes could pair so well with the warmest smile.

"I'm Anna, by the way."

"Elsa," she held out a hand to shake.

"Elsa…" Her name sounded sickeningly sweet when it left the foreigner's mouth. Anna shook her hand, "I'd love to get to know you better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jouska  
> (n)a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.


	5. Adronitis

As days grew longer, Elsa found herself in Anna's company more often. These little get togethers were rarely planned; and even when they were, it was Elsa who made the arrangements. Much to both their surprise and delight the run-ins never stopped. They only became welcomed with the promise of conversation and shared space.

Pleasantries were exchanged under the guise of shoulder brushes and a myriad of different smiles. The smaller acts of affection morphed into grand displays under bed sheets and couch throws; that, was where true inquiry resided.

_Favorite color?_

_Favorite smell?_

_Favorite sound?_

_Favorite feeling?_

The questions were always the same, but Anna's answers were ever changing. Between heated kisses she favored the color blue. When they laid face to face, she loved the sound of trains passing by. She'd express the excitement she felt driving down a gravelly road and how the smell of cigarette smoke made her feel at home. Then two hours would go and Anna would admit to liking a bizarre shade of yellow and the feel of writing with a nice quality pen.

While it seemed trivial at first, Elsa began to read past the simplicity. She realized Anna was a lover of life-someone who lived in the moment rather than the past or future. And with that revelation she wondered where she stood with the whimsical ginger.

Elsa decided it was easier to brood than to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adronitis  
> (n)frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.


	6. Onism (Reprise)

She always spoke with such

Life.

Her words

Did not end on her tongue.

Her thoughts

Did not dissipate when they met air.

They resounded off walls,

Off people,

Off her,

And her arms moved with the reverb.

Like she was dancing

To the sound of her own ideas.

She spoke with her entirety.

In a way that everyone could listen without

Needing to hear.

It was like she was

Putting on a play.

Her chest would expand.

Her lips would draw back like curtains.

Her teeth were no strangers to the spot light:

The brightest smile.

Palms open and outstretched,

Ready to perform.

To retell stories with such—

Excitement such—

Vigor, as if they were happening at that very moment.

And she needed to leave soon,

to uproot herself and capture more

Experiences.

More of life,

More of the world;

More

Dreams that

Elsa has only  _dreamed_  of chasing.

It was awe inspiring.

Daunting.

How much of the world Anna carried,

Buried within her photo albums.

Within her.

And how little Elsa knew of it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onism  
> 1\. (n)the frustration of being only in one body, being able to be only at a one place at a time.  
> 2\. (n)the awareness of how little of the world you’ll experience.


	7. Lachesism

Anna told her that she wanted strength. She wanted hindsight, the power of knowing—the badge that came with surviving the hardships that life liked to throw; So she could stand with her, with Elsa, and say that she gets it.

So she can take her by the hands and empathize; And love her in the way she needed at that moment. "I want to understand you."

Elsa had a hard time wrapping her head around those words Anna uttered at her bedside. She couldn't understand why anyone would wish to suffer, even if Anna's explanation was as clear as day. She laughed, then scolded herself, entirely to Anna's confusion.

Perhaps it was the heart monitor in the background, or the smell of hospital linen that kept her from conceding to the little comfort the traveler could offer in a world that wasn't hers. Elsa felt ungrateful, for letting her bitter humor get the best of her.

But they were in Elsa's domain now, a space plagued by limitations and the fickle nature of a weak heart. A surgery was needed, insurance covered a lot but it didn't quite make the distance, and finding the right match… She didn't want Anna to know.

She didn't want to be the dead weight, a sad story Anna told years later in a crappy café. Maybe even… someone Anna didn't talk about at all… a tale kept tucked away in the back of her beautiful mind.

Elsa caressed her cheek, wires following her hand like cables on a collapsing bridge. She apologized, gently urging Anna not to worry, belittling her current situation to nothing more than a hiccup.

"I'll be fine," Elsa wanted her to leave, "I'm sorry you missed your flight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lachesism  
> (n) the desire to be struck by a disaster and surviving it.


	8. Liberosis

There Anna sat, balanced on the windowsill with books and mail and a laptop. Her silhouette was lined gold by the retiring sun; It was an almost holistic site. As if the world had dubbed her a saint.

Who was she? This plunging well of kindness Elsa had stumbled upon some time ago. At some point Elsa thought she knew; She thought she found the connection between that warm smile and empty blue gaze and yet here she was again.

Confused, intrigued, and a tad frustrated. With a fresh touch of unjust bitterness.

Elsa was so sure Anna would leave a couple weeks after the hospital fiasco—reschedule her flight, exchange emails for a couple months, and then become another friend count on Facebook.

But instead Anna stayed. She met Elsa's parents, and soon enough she'd become good friends with Elsa's friends—as much as Elsa tried to prevent it. Anna was building bridges the frail woman spent months slowly breaking. Filling in the empty spaces Elsa made with pieces of her.

Anna was ruining her great escape.

It was getting harder to hide how exhausted she was, the same way it was getting easier to see the stir crazy in Anna's eyes.

Elsa was tired of feeling like the deadweight, just as tired as she hated the thought of pushing this godsend away. It had to be done, if she wanted a resolution.

She must've been staring for too long, because Anna had approached the bed with a smile. There was a chaste kiss before Elsa found her lover tucked safely in her arms and a freckled ear nestled cozily against her chest.

It would be much easier, she thought, if neither of them cared as much as they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liberosis  
> 1.(n) the desire to care less about things.


	9. Yū Yi

There are certain things in life that just aren't the same the second time around, sometimes it's for the better that they weren't the same. Absence made the heart grow fonder, but repetition made it insensible. Repetition made things easier to adapt to, but yet again, sometimes it was  _better_  that they weren't easy.

Elsa felt like a frog with broken legs. When her parents first sat her down and explained her limitations, it was like she had been tossed in a pot of water that was already fairly warm. She was desperate to climb, to crawl over the edge of that hot metal wall. But she gave up over time, grew familiar but not quite accustomed to the rising heat. Soon there was a lid over the pot she somehow placed there herself.

And then Anna came along and peeked inside her tiny, desolate abode. She stayed and kept her company, and took the lid with her when she left. But Elsa was afraid to climb now, she knew the sides of the pot were searing hot. They'd burn her fingertips clean off.

There was a very unlikely chance she'd make it out alive, Elsa favored the sure fire solution over anything but...

"... I mean hey, it could of been worse you know? You could've been denied a refund. Then you'd have forty crawdaddies," Elsa teased.

"Oh  _geez,_ don't remind me! I'm embarrassed enough by the whole thing—getting drunk while online shopping? Never again. I don't even know where I'd have them delivered to! I'm technically homeless right now!" Anna whined, exasperated but lighthearted. It made the blonde's chest ache on the other end of the phone.

Eventually, after a fair amount of reassurance, Anna began to travel again. Elsa still couldn't wrap her head around how the photographer managed to get a short contract in Seoul. Anna was truly amazing.

"So…" That soft, sleepy voice pulled her from her thoughts.

Elsa egged her forward, "So?"

"Do you have any plans for the holidays?"

Her heart dropped, guilt was starting to clog her throat. Elsa shrugged, but then quickly remembered it was a phone call and replied, "Not… entirely. There's going to be an office party, and my parents are hosting a get together this year. I'm not sure if I want to go to either of those. I'd just avoid conversation and eat all the appetizers. Do you have any plans?"

She finished with a light chuckle, ready to be chastised for her bad social skills yet again.

But instead. "A couple of old friends are hosting some parties but um… I was wondering if I could tag along with you. Or maybe just hang out if you're not going anywhere."

Elsa felt like she just got stabbed in the gut, she found it hard to breathe. A moment passed, she forgot to respond so Anna continued with a nervous titter, "I don't mean to impose or anything, if you wanted some time to yourself I don't want to rob you of that! It's just… I miss you."

Her voice was tender towards the end, charged with extra words the traveler seemed hesitant to admit. Elsa held on to rusted metal to steady herself and scrambled to find her voice, she felt like she was going to be sick. Another moment passed and she could feel the tension thickening, Anna's uncertainty growing. She missed her as well, oh so much.

Timid. "Elsa?"

But she did have plans. Elsa replied softly in a way that was apologetic but open for hope, "We'll see, I do have some projects I'd like to work on…"

"O-oh, okay, well…" Anna stalled, she wasn't sure what to do, "I'm gonna get some sleep—you should too. It's like two in the morning over there."

"I will, as soon as I'm done with this work," Elsa reassured her, "Goodnight… or er, good afternoon. Love you."

"Love you too." When she was sure the call had ended Elsa dropped her phone in her pocket. She stared at the muddled horizon from her perch on the bridge railing. Her face stung from the cold, salty wind that kissed her tears and teased her backwards, away from the dark waters below.

She was trying her hardest to gain back that desperate determination she once had as a child, before she learned what her life would be. She  _wanted_  it back but not everything was quite the same the second time around. Those hot walls, god would they burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yū Yi  
> 1\. (n) the desire to see with fresh eyes, and feel things just as powerfully as you did when you were younger-before expectations, before memory, before words.


	10. Énouement

Watching the plane glide to a halt across the runway was exciting but hard. The elation of holding Anna once again was dampened by the confession that sat on the thick of her tongue. Elsa fought with herself, talked herself into and out of the idea as they basked in each others' presence after the months apart.

She could wait, she thought as Anna snuggled deeper into her side with a content sigh.

Hours turned into days that became a week and eventually two, until the baggage was starting to make Elsa even more physically sick. Anna began to press her but she wasn't quite ready to give. That was, until one particularly heated conversation in the winter downpour brought Elsa to her knees.

Waking up to Anna's puffy red eyes and the familiar hospital ambiance was almost enough to send the frail woman into another episode. There was no better time than the present in that moment.

She explained what she was going to do the night they talked about holiday vacation, how she had grappled with the thought for the longest time… how it still hasn't lost its appeal. Elsa hated the hot tears and hiccups but it felt nice to let herself succumb to Anna's honest comfort, no matter how large of a shadow it had cast on the ragged road ahead.

The traveler's touch didn't quite feel the same after that. Her eyes looked too sad, too…  _knowing_  for Elsa's peace of mind. And like a wounded animal, the blonde knew no better way to react but to bare her teeth.

What she wouldn't give to go back in time and pull the veil of fear from her own eyes. She would take Anna by the hands and apologize profusely- more so than what she already does. She'd exchange a kiss for every tear she had caused, a promise for every wrench she had tried to throw in their relationship.

But the past made them who they were, as her beloved liked to say: Life didn't believe in backspaces. Elsa would simply have to make do with the present.

"Hey," She muttered softly into Anna's hair. Elsa wasn't expecting much of a response from the ginger fast asleep in her arms. A few moments of silence passed before she decidedly continued with a smile, "Thank you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Énouement  
> (n)the sadness of arriving to the future and knowing how things turned out, but not being able to tell your past self.


	11. Pâro

To Elsa, There was nothing more beautiful than Anna's laughter. It was a treasure she never felt she was worthy of and yet she was blessed with it even on the harder days. She would be lying if she said it didn't bring out the goofball in her.

That's why when Bobby Darin started playing through the home stereo, Elsa had no choice but to sweep Anna into a dance in their humble living room. She'd sing along, comically exaggerated but sincere by all means as they swayed to the rhythm. And with every dip, and every spin, those lovely giggles would fill the air. They rang like wedding bells in the blonde's frail heart.

As the upbeat swing gave way to the slow confessions, the space between became small and mellow. "The very thought of you, my love…" Elsa muttered in sync with the track just before Anna shushed her with a kiss.

"You seem exceptionally chipper today," Anna noted afterwards with a smile. There was a twinkle in her eye. Elsa remembered how vacant her gaze was when they first met and wondered when it got so full. She wasn't going to lie, her muscles were long since sore and the experimental treatment made her want to sleep for hours on end. Even as they slow danced in the afternoon light, she felt the need to rest coming on. But Anna's presence made everything a tad more bearable. She almost forgot to respond, "You make me happy, and I wanted to show it."

"I do?" Elsa picked up on the undertones of Anna's teasing. There was genuine doubt, it pained her.

She assured her in a tender voice, "Yeah, you do. What'd make you think otherwise?"

The ginger rested her head against Elsa's shoulder,"I don't know… with everything going on I feel powerless, like I can't really do much for you. And the things that I can do, I mess up."

"You've been nothing less than amazing. I'm grateful for you, I just..." She trailed off, ashamed of her past actions and the sentiment she still shared.

Anna tittered, knowing and tired,"Yeah, It's frustrating." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pâro  
> (n) the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong

**Author's Note:**

> Rubatosis  
> n. the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat


End file.
